If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
