i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
