a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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