Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
I swear she didn't look like that last week.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
Randomize
