Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Randomize
