Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
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