State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
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