So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Randomize
