1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
