apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize