I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
I think a kid would responsible me up
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
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