I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Randomize
