Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
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