look no pants
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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