sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize