this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
Her cum face looks like the large marge scene in pee-wees big adventure
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
