dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
Randomize