first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
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