How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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