I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Randomize
