Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Randomize
