dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
