When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize