Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
she told me i tasted like america
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Randomize
