Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
