I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Randomize
