WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
Randomize
