Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
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