Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Randomize
