You're so nebulous sometimes
omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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