eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Randomize
