This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Randomize
