Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Hmmm. I never knew the difference. I've done either one and had stronger or weaker versions but usually if i took enough, i tripped balls. That should be a PSA for kids... if you take drugs and the drugs are weak, just take more drugs... The More You Know
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Randomize
