So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
