i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
