Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
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