I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
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