theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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