I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
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