Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Randomize
