I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Randomize
