idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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