So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Can vaginas get frostbite?
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
