He is such a slut. More and more my type.
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Randomize
