I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Randomize
