someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
