i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
