I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize