Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
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