When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
there is glitter all over my balls
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
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