I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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