I wannas sexs uuuuu
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
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