My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Randomize
