My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
