dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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