Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
