I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
