Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
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