T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
a search helicopter?!
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Randomize
