bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
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