You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
