I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
Randomize
