if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
