The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
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