New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
Randomize
